Himbo Hrothgar Jarrick

 

look you

Yes, this is porn... but fucking LOOK at this work. 

This is an important artist. 

Konstantin Kamynin: Then and Now

 Then (as 'Kirill Dowidoff'):

Now (as 'holy shit what the oh my fucking oh uh hold on uhhhhh one second uhhhhhhhng fuck oh jesus fuck fuck FUCK squirt'):

Michael Del Ray, Trevor Laster, and Jackson Traynor in "Fuckbit"

Absolutely 100% safe for work because no penis.

 

Valentin Petrov and Sean Zevran (totally SFW bc no penis)

 

2022 Coaster Tour: The Actual Rides

Key: 

[not a coaster]
+coaster ridden for the first time 

(#) = more than once (B = back seat; F = front seat)

20220521: Six Flags over Texas

[El Sombrero]

+New Texas Giant

+Runaway Mountain

+Pandaemonium

+Runaway Mine Train

+Mr Freeze Reverse Blast

+Batman The Ride

+Joker

20220527: Dollywood

Lightning Rod

+Blazing Fury

+Tennessee Tornado

Firechaser Express

+Wild Eagle

+Thunderhead

Dragonflier

20220530: Six Flags America

+Ragin' Cajun

+Joker's Jinx

+Superman: Ride of Steel

+Batwing

Roar (2: F, B)

+Firebird

20220531: Six Flags Great Adventure

Green Lantern

+Kingda Ka

+El Toro

+Batman The Ride

+Joker

+Jersey Devil Coaster (2)

20220603: Canada's Wonderland

+Flight Deck (F. Lost bandana)

+Leviathan

+Wilde Beast

+TheBat

[Shockwave]

+The Fly

+The Vortex

[Soaring Timbers]

+Yukon Striker

+Mighty Canadian Minebuster

+Behemoth

+Backlot Stunt Coaster

+Time Warp 

20220607: Six Flags Great America

+Maxx Force

Goliath

+Little Dipper

+The Flash: Vertical Velocity

20220608: Indiana Beach

[Sky Ride]

+Steel Hawg (2)

+Hoosier Hurricane (2: F, B)

+Cornball Express

[Pirate-themed dark ride, whatever it's called]

+Tig'rr Coaster

[Tilt-a-Whirl]

20220609: Kings Island

+Woodstock Express

+Flying Ace Aerial Chase

+Diamondback

Mystic Timbers

+Backlot Stunt Coaster

+The Racer (red side)

+Orion

+Invertigo

20220611: Knoebel's Amusement Resort

+Phoenix

[Haunted Mansion (dark ride)]

[Salt 'n' Pepper Shakers]

[Whip]

+Impulse

+Twister (2: B, F)

+Black Diamond Mine (not really a coaster, another dark ride, but listed as a coaster by ACE)

20220613: Hersheypark

+Candymonium

+Comet

+Skyrush

+Sooperdooperlooper

+Great Bear

+Jolly Rancher Remix

+Stormrunner

+Fahrenheit

+Wildcat

+Wild Mouse

+Lightning Racer (Thunder)

+Lightning Racer (Lightning)

+Laff Track

20220614: Busch Gardens Williamsburg

+Pantheon

Verbolten

+Griffon

20220615: Kings Dominion

Twisted Timbers

+Tumbili

20220616: Carowinds

+Vortex

+Carolina Goldrusher

+Flying Cobras

+Copperhead Strike

+Afterburn

+Kiddy Hawk

+Intimidator

+Woodstock Express

22020617: Six Flags over Georgia

+Twisted Cyclone

+Dahlonega Mine Train (2, not by choice)

+Joker Funhouse Coaster

+Great American Scream Machine

+Blue Hawk

+Dare Devil Dive

+Riddler Mindbender

+Batman The Ride

22020619: Busch Gardens Tampa

+Iron Gwazi

Cheetah Hunt

Coaster & Ballpark Tour 2022

Some facts about my recent travels:

Departure date: Thursday 20220519:1433 ET

Return date: Sunday 20220619: 1933 ET

Total time away: 749 hours 0 minutes

Miles driven: 7250

Miles per hour for the entire trip: 9.68

Most miles driven in a day or at one go: 632 (from home to Biloxi on May 19)

Itinerary, including all nights' stays and significant places to visit (deleted from/added to original itinerary): Merritt Island, Fla.; Biloxi, Miss.; New Orleans, La.; San Antonio, Tex.; Houston, Tex.; Dallas/Grapevine, Tex.; Memphis, Tenn.; Sevierville, Tenn.; Spotsylvania Courthouse, Va.; Hyattsville, Md.; Bowie, Md.; Jackson, N.J.; Corfu, N.Y.; Montreal, Qc.; Toronto/Vaughn, Ont.; Kalamazoo, Mich,; Holland, Mich.; Muskegon, Mich.; Gurnee, Ill; Chicago, Ill.; Monticello, Ind.; Cincinnati/Mason, Ohio; Sandusky, Ohio; Mcalisterville, Penn.; Elysburg, Penn.; Hershey, Penn.; Allentown, Penn.; Williamsburg, Va.; Doswell, Va.; Charlotte, N.C./Fort Mill, S.C.; Atlanta/Austell, Ga.; Tampa, Fla.; Merritt Island, Fla.

Amusement Parks Visited (deleted from/added to original itinerary; first time visiting): Sea World San Antonio, Six Flags Fiesta, Six Flags over Texas, Dollywood, Six Flags America, Six Flags Great Adventure, Six Flags Darien Lake, Canada's Wonderland, Michigan's Adventure, Six Flags Great America, Indiana Beach, Kings Island, Cedar Point, Knoebel's Amusement Resort, Hersheypark, Dorney Park, Busch Gardens Williamsburg, Kings Dominion, Carowinds, Six Flags over Georgia, Busch Gardens Tampa. 

17 parks originally scheduled -6 and +4 = 15 parks actually visited.

Number of different roller coasters ridden: 92

Number of different roller coasters ridden 'for the first time': 82

Margin of error on that 'first time' count: 11–14*

MLB parks/stadia visited for the first time:

• Minute Maid Park, Houston, Tex. (Rangers @ Astros, 20220521)
• Rogers Center, Toronto, Ont. (White Sox @ Blue Jays, 20220602)
• Comiskey Park (called by infidels 'Guaranteed Rate Field'), Chicago, Ill. (Dodgers @ White Sox, 20220607)
• Great American Ballpark, Cincinnati, Ohio (Diamondbacks @ Reds, 20220608)

Number of gas fill-ups: 15

Lowest gas price and date: $4.179, 20220520

Highest gas price (U.S.) and date: $5.799, 20220607

Highest gas price (Canada) and date: US$6.506 per gallon/CAN$2.161 per liter, 20220604

Gasoline expenditure for entire trip (including a tip for the filling attendant in New Jersey): $1,056.80

Total gasoline volume purchased: 215.70 gallons

Time by which this trip shortened the viability of the biosphere of earth: 4 hours18 minutes

Number of hotels stayed at: 23

*Margin of error on 'new' roller coasters: Several of the coasters I rode on this trip were almost certainly ones that I had ridden before but did not have any record or specific recollection of. For example, I am nearly certain that some of the coasters newly added to my list in Dollywood, Carowinds, and Six Flags America were repeat rides, but I was not until recently keeping my formal 'coaster count' when I rode them, and memory is hazy. Similarly, at least three of the coasters in Hersheypark were operating when I was a yoot and visited that park, so it is extremely likely I rode them as well—but the memory gulf there is decades-wide. Anyway, no fewer than 68 coasters were definitely new to me on this trip.

Next time I will get into some specifics of the more awesome coasters and maybe some ballpark observations...

That Was the Week in Baseball That Was

On Tuesday, the Mets beat the Cardinals and in so doing won the first six series of the season for the first time in franchise history (est. 1962). Same game: possibly retributive batter-beaning got both teams het up in the late innings—which was to continue and escalate Wednesday, when Cards LHP Génesis Cabrera pegged Mets 3B J.D. Davis in the ankle, top 8; then in the bottom of that inning Mets RHP Yoan López seemingly aimed a pitch directly at the first batter's (3B Nolan Arenado's) big ol' haid. Dugouts and bullpens cleared and there was actual fisticuffs, not just poshching and shevving and hair ballet. Arenado got ejected, along with the Mets first base coach—and I will never not name this person—Stubby Clapp. (Arenado also got a 2-day suspension but appealed it down to one day, which he served Saturday.)

I should mention—in full disclosure and in sharp departure from my recent lament—that of the four umpires who dealt with the brawl—TV lingered on them hobnobbing—two, Jeremie Rehak and Alan Porter, are African American. This still doesn't change the ridiculous preponderance of white guys policing a gorgeously color-diverse field of players on a daily basis.

On Wednesday, Nationals SS Lucius Fox and Marlins 2B Jazz Chisholm Jr.—who have been best friends since childhood—became the first two Bahamians to play in the same MLB game since April 22, 1961. N(Y Y)ankee (Poo) Giancarlo Stanton hit his 350th career home run, bottom 1, against Orioles RHP Tyler Wells.

Mark Kolozsvary debuted in the majors for the Cincinnati Reds and hit a double on his first AB, nudging the Reds (temporarily) into the lead, 2-1. Alas, 'the lead' is just not the Reds' place so far this season. They are doing heart-breakingly poorly: 3 wins, 18 losses and .143 average—at least for the next few hours.

As of Thursday, Ronald Acuña Jr. is *finally* back in the Braves' lineup! (He tored up his ACL last July.) The 24-y-o Venezuelan Acuña went 1 for 5 with two stolen bases in Atlanta's 5-1 win over the Cubs. The Braves, 'reigning' 'world' series champeens, are not doing great so far—10 wins, 12 losses—but their lineup (despite its conspicuous and disparaging lack of now-Dodger-Freddy Freeman) is fabulously strong and capable of more than it's been doing, especially now Ronald's back in the mix.

Friday, the Mets got only their second no-hitter (combined, five pitchers) in franchise history. Seattle Mariners CF Julio Rodriguez hit 9 for 9 stolen base attempts, two more than his closest competition. STL Cardinal 1B Paul Goldschmidt belatedly hit his first homer of the season—and broke a nasty weeklong no-homer streak for the Cards. LA Dodgers 3B Justin Turner finally hit his first 2022 homer as well.

Speaking of the Dodgers, twa thingies: One, leftie Clayton Kershaw busted the franchise strikeout record Friday—formerly held by Don Sutton at 2,696 Ks—in whiffing Detroit Tigers infielder Tenser Snorkelson, whose name may or may not have been changed to protect... fuck it, to amuse ME. Twa, SS and former Nat Trae Turner (whom I saw drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's, and his hair was fucking fierce) has now been on base 39 games in a row (19 of which were last season).

The Colorado Rockies turned 4 double-plays against the Reds Friday, for a total of 27 on the season, an average of 1.26 double-plays turned per game in 2022 (up to 1.38 as of last night)—which extends their excellent good work from 2021, when they topped the majors with an average of 0.87 double-plays per game.

Padres are looking good, better than last year this time. As anecdotal evidence, they are the only team boasting two players (Manny Machado and Eric Hosmer) with OPS > 1. On Thursday, the former Orioles star Machado had the 17th 4-hit game of his career. MacKenzie Gore is a pitcher to watch—the 23-year-old North Carolinian debuted in MLB April 15; has pitched three games and won two; 20 strikeouts (including 10 Reds Wednesday); has a 1.76 ERA. Data sample too small, of course, but worth watching—esp inasmuch as he's cute as a particularly cute button. And Hosmer has clearly found his sometimes-mislaid bat: he leads the majors with a batting average of .389. Manny's right behind him at .386, and also leads the majors with most total hits (32; Hosmer has 28).

In my *ahem* home state, both Tampa Bay Rays and Miami Marlins are doing... well enough. Rays are 12-9 (.571) and Marlins 12-8 (.600). On Thursday the Marlins completed a 3-game sweep of the Nationals in D.C. for the first time since 2011. And I assure you from the heart of my bottom, my unflagging love for and devotion to Marlins RHP Pablo Lopez would continue without the slightest diminution even if he were not the hottest pitcher in the majors right now with an ERA of motherfucking 0.39.

Curious but inconsequential fact: (unless this has changed in the last half hour) the current stat for most doubles in 2022 is shared by Yuli Gurriel (Houston), Owen Miller (Cleveland), and Matt Olson (Atlanta), with 9 doubles each. The curious part is: all three are first basement for their respective teams.

Another niftoid: Toronto has 14 wins and 8 losses; no two of those losses were consecutive games.

Finally, and this is really cute: the Phillies think they're people.

That'll do.

 Me tell you a story.

MARTHA. Truth and illusion, George: you don't know the difference.

GEORGE. No, but we must carry on as if we did.

MARTHA. Amen.

—Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Edward Albee

SWAMI. A psychologically tested belief of our time is that the central nervous system ... is unable to discern between the real and the vividly imagined experience—if there is a difference; and most of us believe there is. Am I being clear?

—Head screenplay, Jack Nicholson and Bob Rafelson

In January I hunted for a Gulf Coast pied-à-terre that would allow easy (~90 minutes or less) access to a majority of Florida's Spring Training stadia: Rays in Port Charlotte, Braves in Venice, Orioles in Sarasota, Pirates in Bradenton, Yankees in Tampa, Phils in Clearwater, Jays in Dunedin, and, inland, the Tigers in Lakeland. I found an inexpensive AirB&B room in Wimauma, Florida—just south of Tampa, due east of Pinellas Point in St. Pete's—a place that I could rent for almost the entire duration of Spring Training for $773.

I booked it, despite the 'no refunds' clause. Because I am a fucking idiot and life is a vat.

As we all know (heh), the MLB Players' Union dispute that began with a lockout in December lasted until last week; and upon its resolution it was announced that Spring Training games would start today, Friday, March 18. In the interim I already lost 20 of the 28 days I had paid AirB&B for. (I did ask about a refund in late February, but the host was firm on her policy.)

Well, anyway—I rejoiced, as it were—at least I'll get a few games in in the last 8 days of this reservation! So I purchased a ticket to the Toronto Blue Jays @ Baltimore Orioles game in Sarasota—the first game of the pre-season, which started a few minutes ago as I type this.

On my laptop.

In my home office.

Where there is not an MLB Spring Training game going on, in case you were wondering.

Wednesday night I messaged the host through AirB&B stating that I would finally be checking in on Thursday. "Hi Gordon you can check anytime", wrote the host, re-providing her phone number. (She had already messaged me with check-in instructions, including a numeric code for the front door lock.

I drove from the Space Coast to Wimauma last night, messaging the host on the way that I should be arriving between 11:00 and 11:30 p.m. I got no response. I arrived at the property at 11:38. There was no sign of life thereat. Tried the door code. The lock mechanism whirred for several seconds and then flashed a red 'locked' sign. The door was still locked. Tried again: same whirring, same still-lockedness. Rechecked the code. Tried again. Rechecked the street address. Tried again. And again.

Called the host; got voicemail. Called again; got voicemail. Left voicemail. Waited. Tried the lock again. Waited. Waited. Called AirB&B. Waited 20 minutes to speak with a human who said, as expected, she could not provide resolution to my issue until she had talked with the host. Waited. Waited.

'Get a hotel,' texts the (abandoned, forlorn) Widda McCoy. I look around. Nothing nearby with a decent rating below $230 a night—another $230, not by any stretch of the imagination recoupable, on top of the $773 I've already paid for the room outside which I am now sitting and which I am unable to access. Sarasota is even more expensive; my favorite hotel near Busch Gardens in Tampa has no vacancy.

I have a proposal review Zoom meeting to run at 10 a.m. Friday—at this point 9 1/2 hours away. Was planning on running that from my AirB&B room, then driving to Sarasota. So: $230 for a hotel room and an extra two hours' sleep?

Nope. I drive home.

At 2:20 a.m. the host calls my phone twice and messages me via AirB&B: Hi Gordon I am so sorry I was sleeping when you call me please try pulling the door towards you and then put the code because everything still the same the code is xxxx I really apologize give me a call as soon as you can thank you"

The host has now cost me $773 for the rental, $50ish for gas ($162.63 by the 2022 federal mileage rate), and ~$60 for the game ticket/parking/fee/fee/fee. And >5 hours of my life wasted driving to and fra' motherfucking Wimauma, Florida.

AirB&B emails me this morning asking me for documentation of my difficult accessing the property—preferably video.

Told ya that to tell you this: I am no longer on the fence about this [gestures vaguely] being a vat or the matrix or some other species of sim.

So why am I writing this out, since absolutely none of you are real, autonomous intelligences?

Because I must carry on as if you were.